I was at a conference for a couple of days and something that was said began a series of thoughts in my head. I am processing them as I type and am allowing you, the reader, in to a personal place to help me process these thoughts.
I believe that all of my life, my examples have been personalities. I mean, its pretty hard to get around it. If an example is a human, then that human is a personality. I believe that I have been under the leadership of huge personalities who have been pastors. I know, most “big-named” pastors are huge personalities.
I have seen success in my life as the “achievement of a big personality”……that is what has been modeled and what has been reinforced as success by every conference main speaker, book author…etc., etc…. not many pastors of normal size churches ever get a call from the majors to pinch hit-
I believe that I recognized a big flaw in myself today. I believe that I have limited God’s ability to work in my life by my focus being limited. You see, my focus has largely been myself. Let me say it this way. My focus has been “What Can I do for God’s kingdom?” What mark can “I” leave…what legacy can “I” leave?
So how is this limiting? It all has to do with what “I” can do or who “I” can become. It’ the cart pulling the horse and its the wrong motive leading me.
When I left Saddleback, I am beginning to see that a part of my “big personality” left. I think that there may have been a part of me that was very excited to be a part of the staff out West because of what I was going to be able to do and be. Did God do some amazing things in the hearts of many single adults? Absolutely. Did the ministry grow? Absolutely. Were Single adults valued like never before? Absolutely. Did we build a great team? 1000 times yes. But with that being said, there was something very comfortable knowing that when I made a phone call, people would answer and give me the time of the day. Now it is different.
I am at a church that was declining due to many factors. God is doing amazing things in and through me. The church is trending in a positive direction and I am beginning to see that God has given me a big personality, but it has little to do with the size of church where I am of what I have done. It has so much more to do with God using that personality, my giftings for His glory.
The biggest thing I ever may do is see my children graduate high-school, college (if they choose), get married (if God calls) – and that is 100% o.k.
The biggest thing I ever may do may be pouring into a young pastor that God has his hand on and be his support-and that o.k.
The biggest thing I ever may do is help those that follow me do bigger and better things…and that’s o.k.
The biggest thing I ever may do I may already have done…and that’s o.k.
I may not right a great book
I may not pastor the largest church in the country
I may never be asked to speak at a conference…..o how I want these things….but if they never happen….that’s o.k.
If the biggest thing I ever do is be obedient to the Lord and His calling on my life- that’s “well done”
I am a complicated pastor with a complicated mind- I have many battles that I wage war against daily. Thanks for processing this with me….
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Eric Mann are discussing. 
Yeidy is discussing. 
Anonymous, 
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Eric Mann 3:45 pm on January 28, 2009 Permalink |
Dude,
Let’s have coffee. I have been processing this for quite sometime now. I have paid much to a counselor to begin to process this. Love to catch up.
claytoncoates 3:54 pm on January 28, 2009 Permalink |
sounds good bro- we are exactly who God created us to be. With all the good of our upbringing, there was also so much that we could not process. There was an enchantment that leads to disenchantment…like you never can live up and the best has already passed. It is weird how you can live your life never realizing how this effects you and your decisions. You wonder why and how you can be in a crowded room yet feel unfulfilled. You wonder how you can achieve so much yet it is never enough. I teach a lot on this..but it is something that I myself battle. – I am all for catching up- you still doing the real-estate thing?
mandy 3:57 pm on January 28, 2009 Permalink |
Clayton, this is a wonderful post. I think it’s very easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of activity that comes naturally with “big personalities.” I just told Tony the other nite, I think the “Purpose Driven” theory has messed me up in some ways, because some days I bend over backwards to attempt and hunt down some amazing purpose for my life. Certainly God must have something more amazing for me than living in Oklahoma and being at home with my kids. I know how terrible that must sound…but some days I really struggle with this. And I think, I must not be living up to God’s potential of me, and therefore I can’t be content in my life until I get “there.” Wherever there is. It actually makes me sad to read your post because I realize how hard I push and how it makes me so discontent with the here and now. And ultimately, it makes me discontent with God. I think I’m living out His purposes for me, when actually it has very little to do with Him at all. Do I want Him to make me a big personality for His glory or for mine? Really? So I think this is a brilliant post. If I am being obedient to God, that is what matters. His glory, not mine. Thanks for being so honest and open. This post hit me in the gut. I love your family, and appreciate and resonate with the journey you all are on.
claytoncoates 4:07 pm on January 28, 2009 Permalink |
I remember speaking to the EPIC crowd that when we think of purpose…we think of it as this great culmination of life’s events in one significant surpreme incredible existence-altering moment when a “purpose driven” life is actually one lived fulfilling God’s purpose for our life in the moment of the now. I feel so convicted about how I say things at times and then forget them….i.e.-don’t live them. Conferences are good for some to hone their skills, learn new models. For me, they allow me to walk in the tension of what “I” desire and God’s calling. I think I will continue to go for this very reason….thanks for being so honest in your comment Mandy- love your family as well….